Spinning Into Control
Claiming back some life ownership
Hi everyone,
It’s the time of the year to let you all know that I’m grateful to have you in my life. And if you’re a reader who doesn’t know me personally, I’m grateful to be making your acquaintance.
This week I’m landing in your inbox with a little introspection:
Losing, then taking, control
Quick hits
Let’s go deep!
Losing, then taking, control
Flipping the table on life and selling everything to move abroad has been a vastly liberating adventure, but it also means relinquishing a whole bunch of control of the little things. We’re starting over in so many ways.
Despite the privileges that we carry with us (financial assets, family background, American passport, etc.) our new home has its own challenging cultural rules and whims. Diving headfirst into a remodel in an old building doubles down on these struggles.
Some major decisions have been required of us lately, and we’ve had to act with less information and shorter notice than we’d like. This is mostly due to “lost in translation” issues: The builder made an assumption, the architect said differently, we expected something else, and nobody noticed until the last minute. And it’s all in Portuguese.
Sparing you the boring details, we’ve been navigating some tough/expensive surprises with little time to make decisions, in a whole new language and technical knowledge set. We’ve also been stuck between one uncommunicative, sloth-like roofing contractor and an emotionally invested builder who is flying faster than the speed of sound. Everyone has been frustrated.
This has created an unexpected level of stress over the past couple of weeks, compounded by the drastic shift to stormy weather, the switch from Daylight Savings (can we be done with this nonsense already?!), and an injury causing me daily pain.
Everything seemed like it was spinning out of control, and for the first time I questioned “Why am I doing all of this?!”
A recent issue of my friend Dakota’s newsletter offered this gem:
“Self-reliance in a controlled environment creates a haven that grounds your day and buffers you against the thunderstorms of daily life.”
It resonated in a major way.
I relinquished many of my self-owned, controlled spaces when I moved here, but I have always held on to my daily exercise routine as my grounding rod. The change of weather and my back injury have disrupted my normal workout routine (biking, calisthenics) at the worst time possible.
The last of my buffers against thunderstorms, both real and figurative, were missing.
I discovered spin class years ago in Portland, and it was a revelation for me. Taking an hour to go into a dark room and lose myself doing something healthy and fun created a clean break from the rest of the day, where I was a slave to my phone, email, and the whims of others.
My choice to completely own that hour of time liberated me to set boundaries in other areas of my life. Yes, I can take an hour to better myself and the world won’t fall apart.
Porto recently got its first spin studio, and it’s a block from my apartment.
As part of my injury recovery, I’ve been hitting some classes and getting back into an owned, safe, positive space. It’s a small, familiar thing that has helped me find sanity and press the reset button.
I can report that many crucial remodel decisions have been made, and we were able to do so without great expense. Everything is moving forward in much closer harmony. The sun came back out and folks are getting along.
Finding even a bit of personal grounding helped, and will surely bring stability next time I navigate troubled waters. Now we just have to find a way to ground the electrical system in our apartment…
Quick Hits
Hilary’s mom Elaine just wrapped up her visit. It was great to have our first family member come to see us (who’s next??), and we’re sad to see her go. She definitely got to see a real slice of our lives, being here during the stormy period described above. But it wasn’t all about the remodel… we were able to get in some fun stuff too. Highlights include a back-in-time midcentury dinner, the largest cork tree in Portugal, and a sunny-day beach walk, among other adventures.
We held our second annual vegan Friendsgiving last week. We hosted 12 in total with a variety of dishes like mushroom Wellington with port wine reduction, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, cranberry sauce, mushroom gravy, and pumpkin pie cheesecake. Dinner and drinks were had, followed by a wigs-on dance party in the living room. Things get crazy when Hilary brings the sequins out.
The electrical is in. The walls are up. The ceiling is going in next week. Hilary is scrambling to define details on the carpentry. Our apartment is getting real, and fast. It’s crazy that we had to wait for 1.5 years to get started on this remodel and now in just over a month it is probably ⅓ done.
We got to go visit our cabinet maker with our builder, and Elaine tagged along. It was very cool to go out to the suburbs to the family-run manufactory where they make custom-built, to-order cabinetry. It’s rare (at least where we come from) to be connected to the people making your things.
We’re heading to Malaysia in December to visit friends. It will be our first time on the mainland (we visited Borneo last time), and are looking for recommendations. We already have KL and Malacca in our sights. What else can’t be missed?
What have you been up to?
This week’s music is some calm, grounded, mind-expanding psych rock from the Australian band Glass Beams. Enjoy!
I love the fact that you are not fake instagramming your new life. While there are many enviable adventures along the way I do appreciate the hard knock stories, too. Especially when I see your resilience and how you always manage to come out in a good way.
I envy you many things: a fabulous apartment in a fabulous city that you will make all your own literally from the studs up. Your exercise commitment despite setbacks, your wife’s vegan cooking and party extravaganzas.
Your Malaysia trip least of all. We spent some time there (do go to our blog for a few posts) and weren’t terribly impressed. The tea plantations were a bust, very very touristy. In fact we were often time very shocked by the amount of trash on beaches. We did like the city murals. I am sure you will find great food, because you always do.
Dear Don, we've never met, but I follow your substack. I do hope all those "lost in translation" issues come to an end. It has been difficult these late years between owners/architetcts/builders here in Porto(gal) ;)
I live between Douro valley and VNGaia, so let's try to meet someday. I may be helpful in those connections. Cheers! Filipe